I just need to explore some thoughts, get 'em out where I can see them, and hopefully be done with them. Consider this an exercise in purging, so to speak.
With that in mind, know that I don't expect, nor really want, anyone to read any further. I'm not really complaining, and I'm not seeking pity. I just need to stop thinking some things, and type them on out of my system.
I've not slept well since before the accident. Friday night it was the constant activity of nurses and techs coming in through the night, poking here, prodding here. I understand. It's what they have to do. Doesn't make it any easier, though! Saturday, Sunday and Monday nights, I was lucky enough to be home (well, Hunter Road home), and in my own bed, but still sleep doesn't come easily. Unfortunately, it means my best friend and darling husband isn't sleeping well, either, and I don't know how to make that better. Ugh.
Part of my problem is that I was in a car accident, and have all the typical aches and pains that come with that. My forehead feels bruised all the way across, I presume from hitting the airbag. My neck, back, and shoulders are achy, as are my arms and around my waist, where the seat belt cinched me, and both my knees from hitting whatever it was that bruised them up. Just enough to make it difficult to find a comfortable position to lie in. Add the five-pound (I'm guessing) plaster cast and a right foot that I'm very much aware of, and you can probably understand why being comfortable in bed is in my long-range goals!
Part of it is that I close my eyes and relive the accident. From the complete shock of seeing the oncoming car swerve into my lane, to the initial impact and the instant realization that one of my body parts had just broken, to the airbag going off just a split second later (which I'd never experienced before), the whirl of the ride down into the ditch, and finally the car coming to a shuddering halt. It happened in a matter of seconds, I'm sure, but I take a lot longer to replay it in my mind. Ugh. I can't ever make anything different happen, though I've tried and tried.
Then I get to thinking about the other driver. How is he? I rode in the ambulance with him to the hospital, but I'm not sure what the extent of his injuries are. I spent a lot of time praying for him and his family last night; that they would experience the same love and outpouring of support from family, friends, and church family that we have. That his injuries would be mild and he would be able to recover quickly and completely. And then part of me wonders what in the world he was thinking or doing, that made him swerve into oncoming traffic. And does his family know what happened? He told paramedics he didn't know remember anything. Does he blame me? I know, in the scheme of things, it's a petty thought, but it's there nonetheless.
And then I think about the lack of pain that I have in my foot. And it's a triple-edged sword. On the one hand, I feel incredibly blessed that I don't have pain. I haven't taken prescription pain pills since they gave them to me in the hospital on Saturday morning at 9 am. Since then, I've taken ibuprofen and now have moved on to no more than six extra-strength Tylenol per day. If you'd seen my foot, you'd understand how incredible this is. On the other hand, I almost feel like I need to be in pain to justify the fact that I'm relatively helpless -- no driving, no walking, no long-term standing, and folks are bringing us meals. And then I wonder if I've got no pain because the nerve damage is so severe, there's nothing connecting those pain sensors in my foot to the rest of my body. The lack of pain I've felt from the get-go is a source of constant amazement to me. After the initial pain of the injury, my foot burned for about ten minutes. And then it numbed up and I really haven't felt much out of it since, except when they poured peroxide down into the wound to clear it out. I think I may have quoted LOTR at that point and half muttered, half moaned, "It burns us, Precious!" Whatever pain medication they had me on at that point sure didn't cover peroxide!
At the scene of the accident, the early responders and the paramedics kept wanting to know if I'd seen my foot; how could I be so calm and clear-headed when it looked the way it looked. I kept having to reassure them that, yes, I had seen my foot, and I was going to be okay. LOL! Usually the reassuring goes the other way around. I do love not fitting into the status quo!
Then I start to think about what lies ahead. I never (coherently) spoke with the orthopedist who did the surgery. She spoke to Todd & Jocelyn afterward, so what I know is filtered through their re-telling. Since there's way to many scenarios to speculate on, and since it is a 'wait-and-see' game, there's no point in going into it all. This is where the rubber meets the road for me. This is where I have to grab back onto the knowledge that ALL things work to the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. It's futile to worry about future *possible* pain and complications because (1) if He so ordains it, then I've got to believe it will bring glory to Him through my life and (2) it's only a potential, worrying about it won't change whether or not it happens, it just gives me a bit of a headache and upset stomach in the here and now. Needlessly!
But I'm not done. Then I think about how I was just starting to enjoy the physical exercise and it and my diet was making a difference. And now there is just not going to be much exercise beyond walking to the bathroom and back to the couch. And I promise you, this is exertion. But will it be enough? I don't want to put on more pounds because I'm couch bound. I'll have to be so extra-special-careful to get lots of water and to push away all the sweets that well-meaning folks deliver. In fact, I had Todd carry them away from my couch station, and to the kitchen, so that if I really wanted to get a sweet, I'd have to get up and exert myself for it. Yeah. It's all I can do to make it to the bathroom. Forget the kitchen.
And I also worry about the good leg. Can it handle all the stress of carrying around the weight of my body by itself? My knees were already feeling arthritis. Is this just going to spiral my good leg into faster bouts of that mess? Another worry I just need to let go of and let God figure out. Of course, my past actions play into it to . . . I've made such poor eating/exercise choices for so long, that I'm going to reap the consequences for some of that now. *sigh*
And I dread taking a shower. I know I need one today, but it's such a chore. Getting back there, bagging up the leg, getting into the chair in the tub, trying to wash my hair and face and everything sitting down with my back to the shower head. Then getting out of the tub and trying to dry off, dry my hair and get dressed . . . it's exhausting! Especially since I can't stand alone on that left leg for too long without it bothering me.
Okay. I'm done. This was a catharsis, and now I feel better. I hope you didn't feel the need to read all of this, but if you did, go back to the first two paragraphs and please understand that this was a means to an end; an exercise in hopefully expunging it from my brain!
And I do feel better. I needed to be reminded of the Father's faithfulness. I needed (and will probably need in the future) to be reminded that I am held by an all-powerful Lord who is omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent, and I'll just let my awe of Him dazzle all that other petty stuff. He's got this one.
I'm so grateful!
:)
With that in mind, know that I don't expect, nor really want, anyone to read any further. I'm not really complaining, and I'm not seeking pity. I just need to stop thinking some things, and type them on out of my system.
I've not slept well since before the accident. Friday night it was the constant activity of nurses and techs coming in through the night, poking here, prodding here. I understand. It's what they have to do. Doesn't make it any easier, though! Saturday, Sunday and Monday nights, I was lucky enough to be home (well, Hunter Road home), and in my own bed, but still sleep doesn't come easily. Unfortunately, it means my best friend and darling husband isn't sleeping well, either, and I don't know how to make that better. Ugh.
Part of my problem is that I was in a car accident, and have all the typical aches and pains that come with that. My forehead feels bruised all the way across, I presume from hitting the airbag. My neck, back, and shoulders are achy, as are my arms and around my waist, where the seat belt cinched me, and both my knees from hitting whatever it was that bruised them up. Just enough to make it difficult to find a comfortable position to lie in. Add the five-pound (I'm guessing) plaster cast and a right foot that I'm very much aware of, and you can probably understand why being comfortable in bed is in my long-range goals!
Part of it is that I close my eyes and relive the accident. From the complete shock of seeing the oncoming car swerve into my lane, to the initial impact and the instant realization that one of my body parts had just broken, to the airbag going off just a split second later (which I'd never experienced before), the whirl of the ride down into the ditch, and finally the car coming to a shuddering halt. It happened in a matter of seconds, I'm sure, but I take a lot longer to replay it in my mind. Ugh. I can't ever make anything different happen, though I've tried and tried.
Then I get to thinking about the other driver. How is he? I rode in the ambulance with him to the hospital, but I'm not sure what the extent of his injuries are. I spent a lot of time praying for him and his family last night; that they would experience the same love and outpouring of support from family, friends, and church family that we have. That his injuries would be mild and he would be able to recover quickly and completely. And then part of me wonders what in the world he was thinking or doing, that made him swerve into oncoming traffic. And does his family know what happened? He told paramedics he didn't know remember anything. Does he blame me? I know, in the scheme of things, it's a petty thought, but it's there nonetheless.
And then I think about the lack of pain that I have in my foot. And it's a triple-edged sword. On the one hand, I feel incredibly blessed that I don't have pain. I haven't taken prescription pain pills since they gave them to me in the hospital on Saturday morning at 9 am. Since then, I've taken ibuprofen and now have moved on to no more than six extra-strength Tylenol per day. If you'd seen my foot, you'd understand how incredible this is. On the other hand, I almost feel like I need to be in pain to justify the fact that I'm relatively helpless -- no driving, no walking, no long-term standing, and folks are bringing us meals. And then I wonder if I've got no pain because the nerve damage is so severe, there's nothing connecting those pain sensors in my foot to the rest of my body. The lack of pain I've felt from the get-go is a source of constant amazement to me. After the initial pain of the injury, my foot burned for about ten minutes. And then it numbed up and I really haven't felt much out of it since, except when they poured peroxide down into the wound to clear it out. I think I may have quoted LOTR at that point and half muttered, half moaned, "It burns us, Precious!" Whatever pain medication they had me on at that point sure didn't cover peroxide!
At the scene of the accident, the early responders and the paramedics kept wanting to know if I'd seen my foot; how could I be so calm and clear-headed when it looked the way it looked. I kept having to reassure them that, yes, I had seen my foot, and I was going to be okay. LOL! Usually the reassuring goes the other way around. I do love not fitting into the status quo!
Then I start to think about what lies ahead. I never (coherently) spoke with the orthopedist who did the surgery. She spoke to Todd & Jocelyn afterward, so what I know is filtered through their re-telling. Since there's way to many scenarios to speculate on, and since it is a 'wait-and-see' game, there's no point in going into it all. This is where the rubber meets the road for me. This is where I have to grab back onto the knowledge that ALL things work to the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. It's futile to worry about future *possible* pain and complications because (1) if He so ordains it, then I've got to believe it will bring glory to Him through my life and (2) it's only a potential, worrying about it won't change whether or not it happens, it just gives me a bit of a headache and upset stomach in the here and now. Needlessly!
But I'm not done. Then I think about how I was just starting to enjoy the physical exercise and it and my diet was making a difference. And now there is just not going to be much exercise beyond walking to the bathroom and back to the couch. And I promise you, this is exertion. But will it be enough? I don't want to put on more pounds because I'm couch bound. I'll have to be so extra-special-careful to get lots of water and to push away all the sweets that well-meaning folks deliver. In fact, I had Todd carry them away from my couch station, and to the kitchen, so that if I really wanted to get a sweet, I'd have to get up and exert myself for it. Yeah. It's all I can do to make it to the bathroom. Forget the kitchen.
And I also worry about the good leg. Can it handle all the stress of carrying around the weight of my body by itself? My knees were already feeling arthritis. Is this just going to spiral my good leg into faster bouts of that mess? Another worry I just need to let go of and let God figure out. Of course, my past actions play into it to . . . I've made such poor eating/exercise choices for so long, that I'm going to reap the consequences for some of that now. *sigh*
And I dread taking a shower. I know I need one today, but it's such a chore. Getting back there, bagging up the leg, getting into the chair in the tub, trying to wash my hair and face and everything sitting down with my back to the shower head. Then getting out of the tub and trying to dry off, dry my hair and get dressed . . . it's exhausting! Especially since I can't stand alone on that left leg for too long without it bothering me.
Okay. I'm done. This was a catharsis, and now I feel better. I hope you didn't feel the need to read all of this, but if you did, go back to the first two paragraphs and please understand that this was a means to an end; an exercise in hopefully expunging it from my brain!
And I do feel better. I needed to be reminded of the Father's faithfulness. I needed (and will probably need in the future) to be reminded that I am held by an all-powerful Lord who is omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent, and I'll just let my awe of Him dazzle all that other petty stuff. He's got this one.
I'm so grateful!
:)
